Breakfast blog

I'm moved into my new place.

I realize that I love change. I actually thrive on it. When life gets into a routine I like to shake it up a bit. I really seek grand adventures, to travel the world. I want children someday, but I don't know where that all fits in. There are still so many things I want to do on my own before I'm tethered by the responsibility of motherhood.

I do feel really blessed, I like the trail I've blazed so far.

I think a few people think my move is a step backwards, but sometimes you have to forsake somethings to be able to make leaps and bounds. All I keep thinking is my move to NorCal in 2 years. I feel relieved that I have goals besides being some worker bee drone. It may satisfy some people, but the idea of working day in and day out just irritates me. Ironically, I sought stability, and once I've achieved it I want to relieve myself of having to maintain it. Aren't I a contradiction?

I do hope to find a partner who embodies the same spirit I have. I am not attracted to those who settle, romantic or platonic. Most whom settle bitch and moan, but do nothing to change it.

Leah says that I date men not on my intellectual level. She's probably right. She thinks that difference is the catalyst that lead to an eventual rift in my relationships. Not one man in my history can I say, "He's so intelligent. He has so much to teach me." Well, maybe Michael had that potential, but I guess we'll never know... I don't have closure with that. Unrequited love, I think, is more painful than love that has met its demise. I still carry this ache in my heart that is dull, yet constant. Do not mistake this ache for hope, those have been dashed a long time ago. But I don't know how to make the ache go away. I battle everyday to try to love Michael unconditionally, but it is very hard. So I'd rather just mask it.

I've felt that I've made impact on my lovers lives, expanding their horizons, teaching them through my eyes. Even if it means just means showing them tolerance and patience in how I treat them. I can honestly take the credit for showing most how to communicate... how to "fight" properly. Eli was the worst in the beginning. He always threatened to leave, but when the first time he tried it and I didn't try to stop him or wasn't going to chase after him, he realized that threat had no power in my home. If he was frustrated he would take the time to cool off, rehearse what he wanted to say then deliver it in a calm manner. It was quite amazing to witness him evolve that way.

Carla's mom hasn't passed away yet. It's long drawn out death. It's horrible. She is not at peace with her mortality.

I'm hungry...